Living in the past

Last night, I saw someone from my past (about 10 years ago) who had harmed me emotionally and financially.  When I saw her, I went into a major panic attack: started shaking and crying.  I tried to avoid eye contact with her.  We were at the same event together and it was an inspirational speaker event.  When I went to find a seat, I tried to make sure to sit somewhere I where I wouldn't have to make eye contact with her, but I didn't see where she was sitting, so I sat next to someone I who was sitting near the front.  It turned out that I didn't see where she was sitting because she was the speaker.  I felt somewhat disappointed that I had ended up being stuck right next to this woman that I was dreading, but also somewhat relieved that she was the speaker because the fact that she was chosen to be the inspirational speaker made me think that she might not be in the same place or even the same person she was 10 years ago.  I thought about how different I am today compared to how/who I was 10 years ago.  I tried opening up my mind to what she had to say instead of sitting there with contempt for this person that I knew over a decade ago.  I listened and was relieved to find that she did seem quite different.

After the event was over, I got ready to leave, and she stopped me.  She told me she owed me an apology for how things ended with us and asked if I could sit and have coffee with her to talk.  I agreed, we sat and talked, she apologized explained how she's a different person today, and we had a chance to talk and catch up.  Not only did she apologize, but she asked if she could pay me back the money she owed me from all those years ago.  I told her that I wasn't worried about the money, but she insisted and asked for my contact information so she could pay me back little by little over time.

I went into this interaction with such anxiety without even considering that the past is the past and should be treated as such.  I left with such a relief and a new awareness of the present.  Living in the now is so important.  Stressing on the past and worrying about the future are just futile efforts that waste energy that could be used for living life for today.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.” 
― Henry David Thoreau

“You can't go back to how things were. How you thought they were. All you really have is...now.” 
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

“I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.” 
― Groucho Marx

“Happiness, not in another place but this place...not for another hour, but this hour.” 
― Walt Whitman