I've heard a lot of people talk about how much they have operated out of fear. I didn't really understand what that meant until I was able to recognize it in myself. I realized today how strong of an influence fear and anxiety are on my behavior. My mind seems to be flooded with "what ifs". What if he's cheating, what if he doesn't love me, what if he's going to leave me, what if he's going to break his promise to me, WHAT IF he turns out to be like every other man I've ever loved.
I grew up with an abusive father, then had a child with someone who not only emotionally abused me, but cheated on me (with my own "friends" and and my own cousin), then I dated man after man who continued to confirm to me that all men are bad and not worthy of my trust. I even dated someone who physically abused me, and emotionally abused my son and his own kids. I'm drawn to men that treat me poorly, not only because that is all I've ever known. but because for some sick reason, I want to prove to myself that ALL men are bad. Maybe it's a subconscious attempt to excuse the behavior of my father, or maybe I just like knowing that I'm not the one in the wrong (finding bad men excuses me of my transgressions, and allows me to only look at theirs). I've spent a lot of time in therapy working on these issues and I've made significant progress in my choosing of men, but is it enough? Or am I going to be blind to the evil, to the betrayal, to the dishonesty just because I want something good.
After watching my mom suffer in a 27 year long marriage with my father, which damaged, her and us, I swore I'd never stick around for someone who didn't treat me well. That's where my fear comes in.
Today I nearly broke up with my boyfriend with no other actual reason, except fear. I was filled with what ifs, and I was so afraid of any of those what ifs coming true, that I wanted to end it with him before I had the chance to get hurt.
I so desperately want to be loved and cared for, that my fear of getting hurt has given me a fear of intimacy (not just with men, but with women too). I've lost countless AMAZING friends because I was afraid I might lose them so I just stopped talking to them. I almost lost my boyfriend because I was afraid he might leave me, or he might do this or do that. This fear, and my resulting erratic, impulsive, isolating behavior almost creates a self fulfilling prophecy. I am afraid to lose someone, so I push them away. I'm so afraid of betrayal, that I act crazy and try to control everything, which results in pushing away the people I love.
Fear was instilled in us as a survival mechanism. A way to avoid being eaten by predators, but in a good relationship, operating on fear can be poisen. A slow cancer eating away everything good in the relationship until their's nothing left to do, but leave.
I don't want to operate out of fear. I want to walk up every morning and take control of my feelings. I want to know that the things that happen in my life are happening because they have to, not because I'm forcing them to happen out of my own fear of what MIGHT happen.
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